


Cringy Fanfics

by WoodJegus



Category: Spookley the Square Pumpkin (2004)
Genre: F/F, F/M, M/M, Multi, Orgies, Short, Soap, Spicy, like andrew, you will want to kill yourself after reading this
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-07
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2020-10-11 21:04:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 49
Words: 19,416
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20552681
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WoodJegus/pseuds/WoodJegus
Summary: A fuck ton of fanfics I wrote at like 3am. A lot of them are about the (former) Dorman Freshman Academic Team, so if you are on the team, please don't read this. Like seriously.





	1. Mailbox Fanfic

_mailbox x nick x spingebill x pattie x please dont touch my beans x karen_

So Nick, Spingebill, Pattie, please don't touch my beans, and Karen are all sitting at a bar t8king shots of saltines.

the m8lbox barges in, br8ks down the door, emerges with a gun and kills all the bartenders, police, and w8tors.

the m8lbox comes toward the group, holds them at gunpoint and they all have a sixsome and the m8lbox kashoots them.

the m8lbox then gets kajewed by the police but he escapes cause he's the overlord.

the end


	2. Pumble x Conley

_Pumble x Conley_

So Pumble was eating shit like he normally was and then the waitor got his order wrong so he flipped the fuck out. He kashot the waitor and ate the manager instead of the food he ordered. He then decided to go to the gun club to purchase an ak.

As he was walking out he saw Conley pinning a trash can to the wall for no reason. Pumble was like "wtf are you doing" and Conley responded "practice for later"

Pumble was like I wanna help so they started throwing trash cans at the walls and eventually Conley threw pumble at the wall by accident and he died.

The end


	3. Cheese Essay

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not exactly a fanfic but I don't know where else to put this.

Keep in mind I turned this in to my teacher (with the font as comic sans) and somehow got a 94.

The 28th of August 2018

English II

I completely, truly, wholeheartedly despise the disgusting product that is American cheese. I have tried many cheeses before and none of them have been as sickeningly tasteless and bland as this disgusting scum going off as cheese. American cheese is made in America, so this is my American experience.

In order to understand this cheese we first must learn about how it came into existence. The pilgrims first introduced cheese to America and started producing it in large quantities, which they sent off to Britain. Cheese factories started emerging all over the country and James L. Kraft wanted to know the best way to preserve it. He ended up shedding refuse cheddar, re-pasteurizing it, and adding sodium phosphate, creating the American cheese we know today. It was a huge success, and by 1940 over forty percent of Americans were eating Kraft cheese.

Now onto my American experience with American cheese, it is the most foul, revolting, unappetizing cheese I have ever encountered. Kraft cheese is not actually real cheese. The FDA standards state that you have to be at least fifty-one percent cheese to be counted as a real cheese, which Kraft cheese is not. That is why it says cheese - product on the label and not cheese. No wonder it tastes so bad. It also confirms it in the dictionary, American cheese is "A type of mild-flavored, semi-soft, processed cheese." keyword processed. I know almost all cheese nowadays is processed in some way, but the dictionary definition does not say that for any other cheese, it usually just states its origins and flavor, which means American cheese has always been processed in some way, shape, or form.

What I wonder the most is, why is American cheese still the dominant cheese even though it is a clear downgrade from other cheeses? Is it marketing tactics? It is not appetizing, it has vague ingredients, and it is highly processed. The only thing I can think of is it is cheap and it melts easier, but that still does not make sense to me. Would you rather have a slightly pricier cheese that at least tastes like something, or would you rather have a cheap blob of chemicals and food coloring? As for melting, any other cheese can melt just as fast, anything can melt if you make it hot enough! Why risk your health when you can have something better?

American cheese is the bottom-of-the-barrel type of cheese that I just can not stand. American cheese has highly influenced my American experience by being everywhere -- stores, restaurants, schools, and in the trash, where it belongs. That is my American experience.


	4. Finally Achieving Something

#537 fuck yeah

pumpkin time


	5. Kairo x Eye

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry Kairo.
> 
> Please don't block me again

_Kairo x eye_

Eye was having a normal day, being creepy on the internet, untill someone accessed his website.

This being the deep web and all, he could instantly see who was looking at him. It was Kairo, and it was love at first sight. Too bad the eye was mostly black, and considering Kairo was eye racist, he didn't have a chance. Nevertheless, Eye had to gather enough courage to contact Kairo, so they could record an epic Minecraft roleplay session together.

Kairo was about to shut off her computer when eye suddenly made the first move.

A loud ass Windows XP start up sound played as an error message popped up.   
"Sup bitch, wanna play some Minecraft?" the bodacious eye confidently asked.  
Kairo stared at the computer.   
"What. The. Actual. Fuck."

The eye decided that this approach wasn't ideal for some spicy Minecraft rp. He decided to take matters in to his own hands. (Well he technically doesn't have hands but whatevs). He gained access to Kairos computer and downloaded Minecraft (assuming she doesn't already have it). He joined a furry roleplay server.

A second error message popped up.   
"As you can see, I have done all of the work for you. Now we roleplay."  
Kairo backed away from the computer with a distraught look on her face.  
"Is that a fucking furry roleplay server?!"  
With a look of disgust she picked up the hefty computer and yeeted it into the kitchen.  
"MISS ME WITH THAT GAY SHIT!"

The eye was getting quite worried that his plan may not have been the best, so he decide to make a plan b.   
While formulating his escape, Kairo preheats the oven to 666° C.  
"We won't need Hitler this time. We're gonna make a hot pocket right in my kitchen."  
She throw the computer into the oven when it's done preheating, and it begins to bake.  
"At least I'm not an eyedophile," she says with relief.

Little did she know that I the eye had already escaped the confines of her computer.

To (possibly?) be continued.


	6. Dai x Satan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (You asked for it)

_Dai x Satan_

Satan was chilling in hell, doing his own thing when suddenly he got a text on his pohoe.

He had received an email that said he committed tax fraud again, and that he would be put in jail if he does pay up.

Satan decided to nuke everyone and returned to his pohoe. It looks like someone was online, Dai, who was apparently a person.  
"I like that name," Satan said, "I should ask her to join my orgy.

Dai accepted and they had an orgy with all the major axis powers leaders.

The End


	7. Trump Time Travels to the Future

_Trump x Wall_

Trump was doing political speeches or some shit when suddenly a wall turned toward him. It pulled out a gun and Trump's body guards were trying to exterminate the wall. The wall was too strong for mere mortals to overpower, though, so it shot president Trump.

When Trump regained his senses he saw that nothing existed anymore. He had gone so far into the future that nothing existed. Either that or he was dead.

Then -- he saw something. A humongous wall towering above him, presumably the one that shot him. He couldn't speak at the sight of the grandiose wall. It reminded him of Berlin. Good times.

He turned around to look at the scenery. Orange, his favourite colour (presumably). He wondered what could have cause that. Probably some horrific nuclear weapon beyond the grasp of reality, but it's good. The future is now god dammit.

He then realized the future sucks ass. No one exists anymore. He was then left to try and rebuild a non existent planet. He probs died.  
For legal reasons that's a joke

Lesson learned: the future is gay as hell

The End


	8. Your Mom x Cleaning Supplies

_Ur mum x cleaning_

As your mom was in the kitchen, making you a sandwich, you, a total doofus, decide to throw up that tire you ate. You just love the taste of burnt rubber and jews. It was totally worth hijacking a school bus on your way back home.

You mom, as one would expect, got super triggered for   
1\. You throwing up and making her clean up  
And  
2\. Not leaving her any tire to eat.

Your mom decided she had no choice but to clean your mess up. She thrusts her hand into the cesspool of cleaning supplies, bringing out her one true love -- bleach.

She opens the bleach and the aroma fills the air. Your mom can't resist her sexual urges and drinks all of the bleach.

You come home to find your mother dead in a pool of bleach. What a splendid Birthday.

The End


	9. Nick x Eye

_Nick x Eye_

So Nick was browsing the deep web for obvious reasons, when he came across a website. It had a picture of a black eye on it, but it seemed the eye was busy at the moment. He decided to stalk the eye who was busy stalking Kairo who was busy stalking the oven who was busy exploding her computer.

Nick realized that the eye is no longer in the confines of Kairos computer, but in some other piece of tech, most likely a microwave casserole.  
"Too bad it isn't a hat. He's totes my " type" -- whatever that is. Actually I should ask Kairo what a type really is. Oe also ask why the fuck she has a black eye watching over her." Nick mused. He opened up instachat and was like "yo wtf is a type also why is the eye stalking you"

Kairo looked around "what eye? I thought i kajewed him." She spots him, but it turned out he wasn't turned into a microwave casserole -- he turned into a gUn.

Nick thought the eye looked 10x hotter since he became a gun. Too bad he still wasn't a hat, but he did need to check out the guns awesome shooting skills. Maybe he'll learn something new, like, how to survive world war thirty.

Nick used his deep web knowledge to find the location of the eye and promptly raided Kairos house. The eye was holding Kairo at gunpoint while Nick watched in awe.

"Now we will have a threesome" the eye commanded, "resistance will not be needed."

And they sure as hell had a threesome.

The End


	10. Nick x Pumble

_Nick x Pumble_

Since Pumble fucking died in the last one Nick decided to perform the 13 satanic labors of Hercules to bring pumble back to life.

Pumble was very greatful that he wasn't dead anymore and decided to thank Nick by buying him a beer.

As they were walking down the street a car suddenly swerved toward them, hitting pumble off the sidewalk.

"Ah shit  
Here we go again"

Nick rushed over to pumble and found he was dead. Since you can't let a ripe pumpkin rot he decided to bake a pie out of the corpse and feed it to Kairo.

Kairo just vored Pumble

Ship complete

The End


	11. Tyler x Andrew

_Tyler x Andrew_

Nothing was the same after the fight. Everything went to shit. Right at the end of the year too! Even Andrew looked shorter than normal (is that even possible?). I mean he is shorter than my mental capacity.

Andrew is so fucking unbelievably short. He shorter than a short circuit. I'm not sure any one is shorter than him (except kairo) (ship material?) Hes about as short as the duration of the whatever hour war -- actually no he'd be about as short as the nanosecond war. He's about as short as the Iraqi bill of rights, or maybe his height is about the same as the amount of protons in hydrogen in millimeters. I'm almost positive an ant could beat him in a fist fight, considering the ant would be like Godzilla to him. He so short he could created a fission reaction just by splitting himself in half. He'd be good theoretical physicist considering even physics wouldn't notice him. Even gravity couldn't effect him, and it effects literally everything. His shortness transcends the space time continuum. I bet he's shorter than a stillbirths lifespan. He's about as short as tyler is fat -- and that's saying something.

After the fight tyler realized that his fatness complemented Andrews shortness and has been flirting with him ever since.

Andrews punishment was him getting kicked off the team for one and a half weeks, and Tyler knew exactly what they would do for that week.

They went inside the classroom where Andrew and David layed together on the floor at that one tournent, and Tyler shut the door.

Andrew whipped out the chicken sandwich he threw in the trash that got him his one minute of screen time and ate half of it.

Then Tyler ate Andrew plus the other half of the chicken sandwich.

The End


	12. Anything That Doesn't Include Kairo

Too late for that, old sport.


	13. God Visits Earth

God was tired of eating his cloud house so he decided to visit earth for once. It had been around a year since he first created that shitshow but he thought he'd contained them by introducing communism.

As he flew down to earth no one gave a shit. People became super judgy because God had the worst fashion sense ever.   
"Bro your outfit doesn't match," Kairo said to God.  
"Bitch no one asked for your opinion. I fucking created you," god retorted and flew the fuck off.  
"Must have been a rogue airplane," Nick said, "we might have another 9/11 on our hands -- right here in South Carolina!!"

God sped off to see how our governments were doing.   
"What's this?" God exclaimed, "cApItAlIsM?????!!?!!!!!!!!??!!!?!!?!??"  
"SUCH INSOLENCE YOU PUNY MORTALS. THIS IS NOT WHAT SHITLER WOULD HAVE WANTED. YOU ALL DESERVE TO DIE YOU ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS"

God proceeded to make the sun explode with his spare Hubble tablescope.

And everyone died.

The End


	14. Half-Life 2: Episode Three

My Gordon: ...

Crowbar: **s m a s h**

And Everyone Died.

The End


	15. Kairo x Colleges

_Kairo x Queens University of Charlotte x Manchester University_

Kairo had just gotten a new laptop after that debacle with the eye. Being the responsible one, she decided to look at colleges and plan for the future. She signed up for multiple college finding sites, and in no time she had a cesspool of colleges at her disposal.

After hours of browsing Kairo narrowed down her choices to 2 colleges: Manchester University and Queens University of Charlotte (she must like British colleges). She couldn't decide between the two, and decided to check out the statistics of both colleges.

Meanwhile, both colleges wanted Kairo to pick them, and they believed the only way to convince her was to host an epic battle royale. All the college students joined, and only one trumped them all.

After 4 long years of fighting, Kairo finally had to make her decision. Manchester University had gotten the epic victory royale, but Queens University had better stats. After some long thinking Kairo chose to go to........

Clemson

The End


	16. Old Sport x Nick x Jack

So I was sitting at the food court and was hungry af, so I decided to order at three different restaurants: Chick Fil a, Wendy's, and uhhhhhhhhhhhh.

I first went to the chick fil a and ordered a chicken sandwich, when they asked for my name I said Jack. I then went to the Wendy's and ordered a 1/4th slice of bacon. The ordering person was confused but allowed it anyway. When she asked for my name I said Nick. I went to that random Jamaican restaurant in Jellico that we thought Mrs Aimes would get kidnapped in. I said my name was old sport after ordering some grilled bananas.

I waited at a small table, sitting on the bar stool. After about twenty minutes all three restaurants called my name, the food was ready. After I rushes to pick up three separate order, I finally sat down near the bar.

I proceeded to eat all of the food, Nick's, Jack's, and Old Sport's. I just had a threesome date with myself.

The End


	17. Andrew x David

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oe God PLEASE don't read this one if you're Andrew or David or like anyone

_Andrew x David_

The tournament that Dorman had been hosting was coming to a close, and all the volunteers were cleaning up the rooms. The academic team was practically forced into volunteering, but it was fun. The team split up into groups and were assigned a Gay Team member to watch over them.

After they finished cleaning up the rooms, most of the freshmen went to talk to their friends. Not Andrew and David, though. They had other plans.

They went into one of the open, unlit classrooms. They layed on the cold, dirty floor together (for some reason, still have no idea why).   
"Oh yes Davdi" Andrew whispered.

Suddenly the door opened. Lutz had walked in on them being gay.   
"Uh" they all said in unison.  
Lutz was confused af. But he existed, so might as well join them.

They then had an epic threesome.

Lutz quickly left before the rest of the team found them. Andrew and David weren't as quick, though, and Tyler decided to barge into the room. The rest of the team followed and soon died of laughter.

The End


	18. PewDiePie Starts a School Shooting

PewDiePie hadn't been in the latest YouTube rewind. Again. Granted it's usually shit, but he was the biggest YouTuber (not channel tho) on YouTube. How tf does T-Series get to be in YouTube rewind and not him?

"This isn't fair", he thought as he got drunk on G-Fuel. That shits good. He's had enough with mainstream media jabbing at him every chance they get. He went to his computer and decided to search up the address of every mainstream media site ever to wrong him. He got a bit side tracked; though, and he stumbled across his old high school on Google maps.

"Instead of committing mass murder to the people who actually wronged me, I should shoot up my old high school with new students that never did anything to me. Yeah this is a brilliant plan." Pewds began coming up with his master plan. He would study to become a teacher, wait until they gave guns to the teachers in hopes of stopping school shootings, and then he'll accuse the school of being a school shooter and shoot everyone. He won't be convicted since everyone was a school shooter. Yeah this will definitely work.

After getting a PhD in children, PewDiePie taught at his high school for around half a year. They finally gave him a gun, and he had enough evidence that everyone in the school was a school shooter. On the date of retribution, he decided to give the students a pop quiz. When the first try hard finished, pewds whipped out his gun and swiftly shot him. All those years of playing video games and calling people the n word will finally pay off.

The rest of the class predictably freaked the fuck out. One kid tried to grab a stapler and shoot him, but lead bullets solve problems better than plastic staples. He swiftly ate the child + his stapler as the other children stared in horror. He was fucking unstoppable. His could feel his rage surfing through him. He had the time of his life shooting up that school.

As he walked out into the courtyard he looked back at his masterpiece. His old high school -- ablaze, Notre Dame style. Everyone had already died before the police could be summoned. He had done some fantastic ass kicking, and had finally gotten his revenge.

As he was exchanging one last look at the remains of his old high school, he relayed these final words:

"For legal reasons, that's a joke."

The End


	19. Plane x Twin Towers

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The plane in this story is officially a ZaDr Plane. Take that -- its canon now.

_Plane x Twin Towers_

The date was September 11th, 2001. President Bush sat in his presidential offices, thinking hard. The appointed time was steadily nearing, merely an hour left before he would get his revenge. He had spent months preparing for this moment, and he was going to savor every second of it -- the roar of the plane's engines as it steadily gained speed, the resounding crash that would cripple the building entirely, the screams of the mindless populace. They would undoubtedly blame al-Qaeda, as he had spent most of his presidential term reinforcing the majority's superstitions. As time steadily ticked by he felt more and more overjoyed. Yes, today is going to be a fun day.

He glanced at his watch. 10:00 am. Bush didnt have time to waste. He looked at the flight records presented to him by his colleague, pointing at one plane in particular. As expected, said plane veered off course, straight to New York. Bush decided to uphold his public image by making a half hearted attempt at contacting the plane. Of course the pilots didn't respond, they were about as dead inside as humanly possible, which made them perfect candidates for the suicide mission. Bush informed his colleagues that the pilots werent respondign, and concluded that the people piloting the plane were most likely terrorists, which he knew was false. Fifteen minutes left. Bush hid a small smirk, the population had no clue what was going on, or what was going to happen. But he knew, that this day -- September Eleventh -- would forever be remembered.

A plane had been veering off course and had no intention of stopping, as the public caught hold of this revelation they steadily grew more and more terrified of what would happen. News stations were already covering what was happening, though they hadn't a clue what the plane's destination would eventually be.

The plane in question, however knew exactly where he need to go. He must get to the twin towers, not matter what the cost. Sure the plane would kill many innocents that the building had vored, but he knew better than to think of innocents. A small price to pay for salvation. He would finally be able to smash the love(s) of his life -- the twin towers, and possibly have a threesome with them. As his final resting place neared, the plane got more and more excited.

Finally the plane had his destination in sight, and begun to gain even more momentum. The twin towers had noticed their newfound visitor and looked at him curiously before realising that the plane had no intention of stopping. Both towers braced for impact right as the plane yelled "lemme smash".

The plane had the time of his life smashing the twin towers.

Bush triumphantly looked at the spectacle shown on the television. He'd done it. He'd finally one uped his brother.

World War II wasn't as personal to America as the 9/11 attacks have been.

The End


	20. Nick x Fanfics

Nick loved fanfics so much he made a book out of them.

The End


	21. Nick x Being Gay

Nick's not gay.

The End


	22. Marley x Andrew

Oh joy it's the day of the Charleston trip. After visiting a Vape shop, the team drove to the hotel and went into their respectable rooms. Kairo suggested we look in the closet for ghosts. What fun.

They listened in the closet and, sure enough, there was a ghost. I got out the Bible and we put on some Christian TV. Carley decided it would be a good idea to get high and talk to the ghosts. And they did just that. After yelling at the team groupchat for a while they talked to Marley.

"Who are you?" Carley asked. The voice who answered was weird. Yeah I called you a weirdo Marley fuck off. The voice was hard to understand and Carley interpreted the noise as "George Washington".

"Are you George Washington, cause that's what I heard."

"No, I am Marley, lemme smash-"

He was cut off as Andrew invited us to his room, and we gladly accepted his offer. Too bad it was but a ruse, but he decided to go to our room instead. We played truth or dare with him, god knows why, and then all the lights turned off.

Marley saw this as his chance to get laid and promptly donned his George Washington attire. In the few seconds of darkness while everyone scrambled to turn on the lights Marley was contemplating who to fuck, and he scanned everyone in the room. His eyes rested on Andrew, and then he remembered his ad on Craigslist. His stripper pole looked lovely, and so he decided to make his move.

"Wanna fuck?" Marley whispered in his ear. Andrew stood frozen as someone managed to turn on the lights. Everyone gaped at the spectacle before them.

"Uh Marley I thought you were a ghost."

"I haven't gotten laid in 394728914827204+ years, you expect me to pass this chance up?" Marley retorted.

"Whatever just don't do it here" all three of them said.

Marley scoffed and dragged Andrew off to an empty room. "I don't consent to this, you know" Andrew said.

"I'm a ghost, what's gonna stop me? Your mortal police?" Marley replied with a grin. "It's not like your friends are trying to stop me."

"It would be such a shame if a ghost as attractive as you were, I dunno, smashed into with a plane. You do have a physical form, after all."

"Are you threatening me, wiseguy? You're not quite in the position to do that I'm afraid."

"Wiseguy?" Andrew questioned.

"History nerd," Marley replied and tossed him on the bed.

"Shit"

Then the building exploded from a bomb planted there by a mass shooter.

The End


	23. Kairo x Connor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~  
I uhh forgot who Connor was. So I'm just gonna think of the most generic person ever.
> 
> Also Kairo you get to be a school shooter for some reason.  
~

_Kairo x Connor_

After word got out that Kairo had a crush on Connor, people spoke of it constantly. It was the spiciest tea they've had for days, and Kairo soon grew tired of hearing about her love life around every corner.

After storming out of the cafeteria due to the incessant gossip about her, Kairo decided she would check out some Russian literature from the library. Unfortunately, the school library didn't have many books by authors of Russia ethnicity. The school library allows books about orgies, but not about war or murder or some shit.

Kairo decided to flip the fuck out and shoot up the school. She was tired of school and their gay selection of books, she was tired of people spilling tea about her, and most of all she wanted vengeance

"It's time to kick gum and chew ass. And I'm all out of ass," were the last words the students heard as Kairo stormed into every classroom. She had already infiltrated the A hallway, and was almost done with the B hallway. There was only one more classroom until she reached her goal of murdering every single person in cold blood.

As she burst into the classroom, several students screamed. One of them attempted to stab her with a pair of scissors. What a fucking idiot. Who the hell brings a pair of _scissors_ to a gun fight?! Kairo easily shot him before he could even get close. The teachers made a haphazard attempt at stoping Kairo, but they eventually accepted they would die.

Kairo began methodically exterminating each student, one by one. Some of them were begging her to spare them. _What fools._

As she was nearing her end goal of no surivors, she stopped on one specific person. It was Connor. There was blatant fear in his eyes, and was unsure of what Kairo would do.

"Kairi, don't," he pleaded.

"Fine"

Kairo moved onto the student next to him, and after a couple minutes she and Connor were the only ones left alive.

"Everyone would've had some major tea to spill about this encounter if they weren't all dead," Kairo said after a minute of silence.

"What are you going to do now?" Connor asked, wary of the gun in Kairo's hands.

"Burn down the library," she said nonchalantly.

"Oh... Okay."

Connor flinched as Kairo shot through the window.

"You gonna help?" she asked as she climbed through.

Connor _really_ didn't want to die today, so what other choice did he have?

"Yeah... Sure."

They made their way through the wreckage towards the library. Man it's surprising how much damage a simple gun can cause. Once they reached their destination Kairo doused the shelves with gasoline while Connor spilled some on the floor.

Everything was thoroughly coated in gasoline and it was time for phase two. Kairo step just outside the library and lit a match.

"Fuck you for not having any good books," she said under her breath and dropped the match. The library was soon ablaze, and Connor stared at the magnificent sight. It was almost as good a sight as the Notre Dame.

Kairo and Connor stalked off to other schools they could have some _fun _in.

And by fun they meant shoot up.

The End


	24. Pat Pat x Popeyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What the fuck is a popeyes

_Pattie x Popeyes_

Pat Pat was walking down the street after just escaping a school shooting, and she was exhausted. Who knew escaping a fucking _school_ would be so cumbersome. She longed for some food, seeing as school food is basically shit on a plate.

After walking for a bit she stopped at a restaurant she hadn't known of before. It was a Popeye's. The chicken smelled 10/10, and she was about to vore the whole place down before a cashier asked her to order.

Pattie then proceeded to vore the whole restaurant, customers and all. The chicken was spectacular and the brick and mortar added to the crunchiness. Delicious.

Pattie then realized she committed several murders and cannibalisms.

The End


	25. Nick x Gun

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear I'm not suicidal

_Nick x Gun_

Nick glanced at the gun in his hand. He knew what he must do. He raised the gun to his head. All he had to do now was pull the trigger. It was so simple, just the single pull of a trigger, and all his worries would vanish. Well supposedly. Death would most certainly be painful, but what one moment of pain compared to a lifetime of it?

He loved his gun for giving him the opportunity of death. He'd already killed so many others with it, and he respected his gun for blessing all of those imbeciles with death. His gun really was generous. Those fucks never deserved the peaceful bliss of death. Hell they don't even deserve the drugs that they'll eventually overdose on.

Doesn't matter now, though, cause they're _dead _and I'm _not. _Lucky bastards. Never mind that, Nick will be dead soon, by the means of his one and only lover. His gun meant the world to him. His gun shall give bring forth salvation from the ruins of this pain filled world.

_Ah yes I can't wait to go to hell_, Nick thought excitedly. He felt the weight of gun in his hand, how he _longed _for death. He decided that his last words be dedicated to his only lover.

"Thank you, my dear pistol, for you have helped me escape the torture that is being alive. I hope one day, you too will have a chance at salvation."

And with that, Nick pulled the trigger.

The End


	26. PewDiePie in Highschool

_PewDiePie x Highschool_ I guess

PewDiePie stared up at his beloved abode of learning. It had been years since he shot up this school. The school had flourished under new management, and it now bustled with its huge population of students.They _sickened _him_._

Pewds once again decided to further his education in children and attempt to teach them. This time he had no intention of shooting them like he did the last time. He had no intentions of EVER going through all that paperwork again. Who knew killing hundreds of children resulted in SO many lawsuits? Best not to think of that right now, he thought, or else there might be a repeat of YouTube Rewind 2020. God, he DEFINITELY did not want a repeat of that debacle.

It had been seven long, tiresome years. Under all that paperwork lay taxes, and under taxes lay boredom. PewDiePie was bored of not having a job, of playing Minecraft every god damn day, of not having a degree in children anymore, the list goes on and on... Was life really THIS boring? Seven years ago, it was unfathomable to him to even _consider _it. Well look where we are now. At the front of Pewd's old school. He continued staring at the building, face filled with melancholy and longing.

"I NEED this school. It WILL be mine. This BOREDOM will NEVER overcome my immense POWER!" he shouted with determination. Some pedestrians gave him a strange look as they saw the ex-famous YouTuber slamming open the door while yelling manically. Pewds ran toward the main office door and flung it open.

"I AM going to work here whether you little FUCKS LIKE IT OR NOT!!!" PewDiePie bellowed at the principal, who looked a bit shaken, but not surprised.

"You literally shot this school up the last time you worked here. I think that's reason enough to reject your applica--" 

Pewds swiftly threw his knife at the babbling idiot who called himself a principal. The blade penetrated (heh) his skull and the principal very kindly proceeded to die. 

"Now that that's taken care of you all shall now bow down to ME!" he pointed around the room filled with distraught teachers. "Or should I remind you of the consequences should you not OBEY?!"

"Eh, no sir," one teacher managed to spit out. Pewds glared at her.

"PATHETIC WOMAN! HOW DARE YOU SPEAK WITHOUT PERMISSION?!?!?!?" he admonished quite loudly. Pewds decided it was time for unconventional methods. No, it's not rewind time just yet. Hopefully it never came to THAT.

Pewdiepie felt the weight of the gun in his hand, the cold metal pressed against his palm. It was welcoming -- beckoning even. He didn't even realize he'd shot the teacher till a different one screamed in fear. "You," he pointed to the terrified educator. "Round up the others. We need to... clear up a few things before my reign as principal can commence." The teacher bustled down the corridor and soon enough brought all the teachers in the building to the office. It was starting to get a bit claustrophobic but Pewds obviously didn't give a shit.

"Now under my newfound position as principal there won't be any changes. Except you now have to obey my every word" He turned and shot the nearest teacher. "You wouldn't want to end up like him now, would you?" All the teachers shook their heads. "...good. You're all dismissed." He waved them away and they hurriedly left. Ah this newfound power was delightful.

Years went by with PewDiePie as a suitable principle. He only shot someone around once a day, on average. Pewds slowly started realizing that as more and more students entered his school, the more bitter and jealous he became. How DARE they soil this school with their disgraceful presence?! He started trying his hardest to expel every single one of his students. This was HIS school -- NOT their's! 

When expelling the children didn't work, he turned he turned to more drastic measures. Little 'accidents' here and there, which were becoming more frequent by the day. The teachers, who still feared him, but not as much as they initially did, soon became suspicious of their leader. Most of them didn't bring it up though, they knew the effects of such an action and would rather not want to relive it. One teacher in particular, Gaylord, was brave enough to do so.

"With all due respect sir, I think all this killing has gotten a bit too far. I thought you wanted to run a school?"

Pewds shot a glance at the cumbersome teacher. "I DO want to run this school, though the individuals inside I don't give a flying FUCK about the HUMANS. I only did this for the SCHOOL. The BUILDING ITSELF. Its MINE! NONe OF YOU WILL STAND IN MY WAY!!!!"

"But uh in order to have a functioning school you need students and teachers and administrators."

Pewds shot up and walked toward the teacher menacingly. "Lies... all of it -- lies. This was never about a 'school', nor was it for the experience of teaching. ...No this was ALWAYS about the BUILDING. I AM CLEARLY IN LOVE WITH THIS BUILDING AND I'M THE ONLY ONE THAT CAN HAVE IT" He snatched the teachers ID off. "I think it's best if we initiate phase one of my plan with the help of your classroom... Oh yeah you're fired as well." PewDiePie stabbed Gaylord with the sharp edge of his ID. "Ah yes, isn't it fun to get murdered by a piece of plastic? Well?!" Gaylord sunk to his knees and uttered "I didn't think plastic was that sharp" before promptly dying.

The rest of the teachers were unfazed by this act of brutal murder. They knew it would happen to them as well eventually, there was nothing for them to do but accept their fate. PewDiePie stormed out of his office and into Gaylord's -- former -- classroom. The room was dark and empty, save for four people. 

Lutz, David, and Andrew all lay on the floor together as Tyler watched from the corner. Pewds was definitely weirded out by this display and decided to end their misery before they could embarrass themselves even more. The four of them quickly tried to stand up and at that moment the threesome realized Tyler had been watching them.

"Tyler what the hell are you doing here?!" yelled Lutz.

"Watching you. Duh"

"Why?!?!?!" all three of them said.

"It was pretty spicy ngl"

Four quick knife throws later, and they were dead. How lovely. PewDiePie shuddered. That whole make out session will definitely scar him for life

Anyways back to the plan. He didn't want to bomb up the place for fear of wrecking the love of his life, and he didn't want to cause TOO much damage to the building. He decided on emitting a sonic pulse that would make everyone's head explode except for a select few. He then would hunt down the survivors and kill them himself. It was a pretty solid plan, in his opinion.

He swaggered to the center of the room and planted the device. He was sure it wouldn't affect him, and he had even taken extra measures to ensure that he wouldn't be killed by the frequencies it emitted. 

"3, 2, 1 and explody time." He flipped on the switched and relished in the screams of his victims. The blood, the pained yelling, the panic -- it was all one big symphony to him. Oh, how he would've LOVED to listen to this all day, but alas he had work to do. Time to initiate phase two. 

PewDiePie whipped out his array of tasteful weapons and started down the hallway. The walls were painted with blood -- a nice colour, he might keep it like that after all this was done. He shot a few stragglers along the way, while he made his way towards his destination -- the cafeteria. There was only one person inside -- Kairi.

Kairi looked around the room as she saw the aftermath of the explosion. Blood and guts coating the walls, bones finely crushed into dust, loose appendages scattered around the room -- in short it was horrifying. The door opened and she saw the maniacal principle head in with a gun, a gun that he pointed straight at her.

"uhhhh" she started, but before she could speak, she was shot.

_"Nothing personal, kid" _were his parting words to her.

PewDiePie held no regrets for what he did. He had finally achieved full control of the school. His school -- his love -- was all he would ever need. No one had stepped foot in his school for over seventy years, and he was finally happy.

The End


	27. Shrek x Beans

_Shrek x Can of Beans_

Shrek looked at the can of beans passionately how the hell do you spell that. 

"consume me paternal figure" the can whispered softly

Shrek slowly began to open the can of beans, the beans moaning with content. They both needed to fulfill their sexual desires and they knew just the way how.

"VORE ME DADDY" the can of beans yelled suddenly. mmmmmmmmmm shrek decided to fulfill the bean's dying request since apparently the beans days were numbered. Makes sense.

Shrek finally opened the can of beans and got a spoon. Spoon were the best devices for this type of ordeal. 

"oe yesssssss" the beans moaned. Shrek seductively spooned up some of the thicc beans. "mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm" he said smartly. Big Brain. He licked at the saucy spoonful of sexy beans, and he slowly and very carefully ate it.

"vore time spicy beans very saucy sexy mmmmmm" shrek very gayly thought. He seductively licked at the spoon and the beans thought some very gay shit. The can was almost halfway done at this point and the beans were growing very wary of their last breath. They wont survive this vore encounter thing. Though they were willing to die -- for their one and only love -- Shrek.

The beans in the can were dwindling rather quickly as Shrek vored them -- and they were enjoying every second of it. As Shrek finished the can he quickly mourned the loss of his one true lover -- beans -- but he knew that his love would now always be inside him -- forever. Well -- until he took a long shit.

Shrek buried the body / shell of his lover in his favourite swamp place, and he farted on it everyday. 

The End


	28. Bill Gates x International Terrorist

_Bill Gates x International Terrorist_

Bill slowly locked lips with Osama and passionately kissed the man, God, he was delicious. Osama slowly slid from out of the embrace. They still had shit to do. Bill Gates -- richest man as far as anyone knew -- had to make even more money for his lover's plan to work. his lover -- acclaimed international terrorist Osama bin Laden -- wanted a repeat of 9/11, but with heavily armed missiles and artillery this time. And that shit wasn't cheap, and the us government was already highly suspicious of Bill and his thinly veiled ploy for military grade weapons. 

As Bill swaggered into the pentagon he went up to the front desk and boastfully relayed "i have top level clearance seeing as I have about as much money as America has debt -- no wonder I'm the richest man alive!"

"Ah yes... Mr. GAYtes..." the nuke manager replied haughtily. "Pleasure to make your _acquaintance_..."

"Yeah, yeah enough of your bullshit and bring me some of your finest bomber jets. Ill be paying in cash today."

"..."

"WELL? Oh yeah its best if we make this an unauthorized purchase. Wouldn't want to be tied to this exchange of 'valuables' after all..."

"... yeah sure whatever. Right this way sir GAYtes."

The bitch brought him over to a selection of spicy jets, though one caught his eye. It was a F-ZaDr plane, originally used for mass shootings between shippers -- I mean commercial travel, but this one was modified to do the most DAMAGE a plane could ever cause. Of course this wasn't proven -- but that was going to change VERY soon. 

It wasnt until late in the evening that Osama finally got to reacquaint himself with Bill. Osama had spent the day trying to haggle all the nukes on the black market for a single hot dog -- and surprisingly it actually worked. Bill congratulated him on his expert 'negotiation' skillz and proceeded to tell him about the various bomber jets and their functions. The F-ZaDr plane piqued his interest just as it had Bill's, and they decided it would be the best option for their... 'plan', so to speak. 

After purchasing four of t he F-ZaDr planes, Bill and Osama were tasked with the tedious chore of "hiring" a couple commercial pilots and sanic speed switcherooing four commercial airlines with the ZaDr planes they had purchased beforehand -- obviously filled to the brim with nukes. Actually, it wasn't THAT tedious. All they had to do was figure out a way to smuggle a gun through airport security. They resorted to create an entire gun made out of highly condensed cheese -- it was hard enough to cause massive damage and about as strong as most metals. The airport scanners definitely wouldn't pick up a fuck ton of cheese.

Once they got past security they bombed the original planes and teleported the ZaDr ones onto the field. Now that they thought about it, they could've just teleported the gun here as well. Oe well. (They did teleport a real gun just in case).

They went back inside to see the pilots and passengers all having an orgy. Bill didn't have time for this shit considering that the richest man in the world was aiding in several terrorist attacks. Osama quickly aimed the cheese gun at the pilots and they left without a word, clearly ashamed to have been caught in a mass-scale orgy.

The pair promptly announced that the four ZaDr planes were about to take off so a flux of passengers came roaring past them into their empty seats. Osama then went to the pilots and told them their part of the plan while Bill made sure everyone was in their seats and totes NOT suspicious of ANYTHING.

Everything went without a hitch -- and Bill retired to his workplace in the twin towers while Osama went to do some other terrorist shit. All the while they were both ecstatically waiting till their plan went into full action. 

After about 342349093834093 hours of waiting the first plane was honing in on its target -- the twin towers. Bill didn't know of this because Osama had been the one who programmed the flight plan while Bill being the business man that he was made sure that no one suspected a thing. As the timer slowly ticked down the last 10 minutes Osama finally realized that he fucked up and would be the cause of his lovers death.

Osama sanic sped up the steps toward the twin towers and into Bills office. Bill gave him a questioning look and he hurriedly explained himself.

"BILL THE ZADR PLANE IS GONNA CRASH INTO THIS TOWER And you'll probably die. I'm sorry"

Osama looked at the clock. Less than a minute left.

Bill sighed and looked at Osama with full understanding.

"We good fam" were the last words he spoke.

Osama apologetically looked at Bill then out the window, where apparently a 59549854945309594 foot ZaDr plane was about to crash into. And crash it did -- Bill quickly tackle Osama and pulled in for one final kiss before the plane inevitably hit them -- and cause their ultimate demise.

And Bill wouldn't have gone any other way

The End


	29. Nick x Another Dude

_Nick x Another Dude_

Nick walked up to some dude and said "Fuck you no homo."

The dude went and killed himself cause he was gay and Nick wasn't.

The End


	30. Kairo x Pasta

_Kairo x extra THICC spaghett_

So Kairo Was At Some Shitty 'Italian' restaurant man fuck Italian people and she ordered some spaggetu with extra SAUCE mmmmmmmmmm s a u c y if I do say so myself.

So the sauce came and it was extra t h i c c. Kairo started eating the past very deliciously -- until suddenly there was the supreme THICCNESS --

The (Apparent) End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I Did Stop Mid Sentence.  
Thank Kentucky For That


	31. Kairo x Andrew x David

_Kairo x Andrew x David_

One day during study practice Kairo went over to Andrew and was like "Compared to Emily and Janki youre the most tolerable."

Andrew was bug happy and I was like ship. Andrew was like "sure" and he went and fold David. (HAHAHAHAH WHY DID THAT AUTOCORRECT TO FOLD)

So apparently David wanted to have a threesome judging by autocorrect's advanced skillzzzzz (Man I really want to correct David to Dave for some reason) Anyway Andrewww had a "brilliant" idea of having a threesome with David and Kairo, since he liked both of them.

David was like "yeah fam let's do it brOther" Andrew and David Are brothers in this fanfic now.

" insestuos tiem " Kairo said with much wisdom.

"INDEED OLD SPORTS" I yelled across the room. Everyone stared at me and i commanded "Well? FUCK ALREADY!"

And Then They Had An Epic Threesome While Everyone Else Including Brian Watched.

The End


	32. Kairo x Sarah Grace x Conley

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bruh I Need To Hurry And Finish This By 4:20

_Kairo x SG x Conley_

So SG went over to Kairo and said "Yo Conley's pretty attractive."

Kairo looked at her in shock 'But... But I LIKE HIM!!?"

"HES MINE BIATCH"

"NO U"

I Looked Over At Them And Yelled "He Is OURS. WE ARE A COMMUNIST NATION AND WE SHARE E.V.E.R.Y.T.H.I.N.G!!!!!!!1!!11!!11!ONE!!1!1!1!"

They shared a glance I Went Back To My Art Studying Thing I Do I Guess. SG and Kairo both knew what they had to do now.

"THREESOME TIME111111" they yelled in unison and dragged Conley off to some closet. Probably the closet where we have all the snacks and buzzers and shit.

Conley was like "yO wHat" and then I ate his hat.

Kairo and Sarah Grace then kissed cause they're gay for each other and Conley just stood there awkwardly.

"Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh" Conley wisely commented.

Kairo and Sarah Grace then acknowledged his presence and ate him.

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shit I Only Spent 7 Minutes In Writing This Shitty Story But Hey It's Exactly 4:20 Now


	33. Brian x Donald Trump

_Brian x Donald Trump_

Brian went over to Donald Trump one day and was like "How's World War 69 Going?"

"Oh we're just about to begin!" 

Trump pushed a huge ass button which served three primary functions: to launch a fuck ton of nukes into North Korea, Russia, and like everywhere in general, then buy a shit ton of stuff from china and make the debt so fucking huge that china will have to go to war with us, and finally it shall launch a hubble tablescope into the sun and eventually kill everything in existence in approximately 34294328093249304399043883489403 years. Brian helped come up with this brilliant plan, and in turn he'll get to live. Inside the earth. Forever.

Getting back to the pressing of the button, a huge ass explosion resounded around the room and Donald Trump grinned triumphantly and Brian went over and pressed another button. This button brought out a gun, which Brian grasped with much finesse.

"Oh cool a gun" Trump relayed to the heccing maniac holding an armed weapon "Who you gonna shoot?"

" Hmmmmmmmmm I wonderrrrrrrrrrrrr."Brian said with a lopsided grin. He then quickly aimed and shot the wwiii switch.

"Eh? Well thats cool I guessss..." 

Brian then rounded his gun on Trump himself. Trump raised an eyebrow at him.

"I really hope you don't intend to shoot me cause I'd love to spend the rest of eternity. With you. In the center of the earth."

Brian hesitated for a moment.

"Really, don't do this..... I...."

Brian then regained his senses and pulled the trigger.

" I ALONE SHALL RULE THE WORLD NOW! KNEEL BEFORE ME LIKE THE SCUM YOU ARE!"

Trump stared in disbelief at his former companion.

"I... I love... you..." 

Those were Trump's last words as he faded into unconsciousness.

Brian did rule the world and made a hecc ton of people his personal slaves. Andrew was his s p e c i a l slave. Okay why am i writing this. Anyways Brian ruled the world under an iron fist and then went to live in the center of the earth when the hubble tablescope eventually reached the sun. In solitude. He missed his 'special' human slave. 

He eventually killed himself.

The End


	34. Pattie x Pizza

_Pattie x Pizza_

Pattie walked over to the overly s e du ct i ve microwave and looked inside. Inside there lay the pizza that she had heated up last year. The mold was practically the only thing left of it, but it still looked edible, I guess. Pizza is too magical to go bad, right?

Pattie sensually opened the promiscuous microwave and slowly slid her hand into the encasement, fingers gripped the porcelain plate which hosted the object of her desires. Easing the plate out of the scantily clad microwave, she gazed upon the pizza with full possessiveness, her arousal climaxing as she slowly and carefully lifted the mold covered pizza to her lipssssss.

The pizza itself was dreading the ultimate demise, his horrid, tragedy-ridden life ending in most likely the most kinky way he could imagine. He never thought he'd ever get out of that, admittedly, sexy microwave. It felt like an eternity since he'd seen daylight, he could barely remember what it felt like. He'd been force into that horrid microwave, forced to spend decades retreated into his own mind, in an ill-fated attempt at retaining his sanity. As his limp, mold-coated form was lifted off the ground, he saw the face of his devourer -- a pretty face, he'd begrudgingly admit. 

They stared at each other for a hard minute, the pizza -- face firstly filled with dread until it eventually gave into impatientness, if he was gonna get vored why couldn't this bitch do it in a timely manner at the very least....? 

Pattie was enraptured by her captive's delectable features -- so very enticing, yet so very grim, so filled with anguish and grief that it took all of her will power not to just stuff it back in that arousing microwave. Pattie thought back to what the pizza itself had endured during its short lifespan, which will eventually end by her hands alone... Besides... No she MUST eat the pizza, she had made her mind up this morning, after downing a slice of vodka soaked bread. She finally took a bite of the pizza which made up the best of her dreams, and the worst of her nightmares.

Finally my number one bitch made up her mind and ate me, thought what was left of the pizza, only took her around 3 hours. The pizza could finally perish in piece, after decades of suffering. This was pure bliss for him, and Pattie was satisfied as well.

The End


	35. Tank x U x Tank

_Tank x U (aka Kairo) x Tank_

Okay So Kairo Decided To Go To Korea Cause She Gay And

The End I Guess

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes I stopped mid sentence


	36. Nick x Microwave

_Nick x Microwave_

Nick looked at the scantily clad microwave and was instantly aroused. He had seen this particular microwave at a strip club a few decades ago. He had been considering building a new microwave house of pleasure for Pattie, since shes sexually attracted to microwave and cheese. 

"Id microwave and cheese with you" the microwave purred seductively. Nick sweat nervously, this microwave was too much for him -- he needed to distract it from its advances. Nick swiped a slice of pizza that he recently made from a deceased jew that he vored.

"Eh... are you into kinky shit?" he asked the microwave. The microwave's interest piqued, he looked especially preoccupied as he started to list off his favourite kinks. Nick cautiously walked toward the microwave -- he hoped he didn't look too anxious.

The microwave obviously thought that Nick was boutta clap them cheeks, so he opened his microwave door thing. Nick was like oop my eyesssssssssssssssssss and then he stuffed the jewish moldy piece of shit pizza into the pedophile microwave then got the fuck out of there.

The pizza stayed inside the psychotic microwave for 372783484 years until the microwave finally died and Pattie decided to finally seek out that fated microwave that Nick beat up.

The End


	37. Angry Rant About Tyler

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fuck You Tyler

My hate towards you is equivalent to the sheer amount of stupidity you had to posses when you fucking told the seniors about the fanfics.

My hate towards you literally transcends the amount of gayness you convey to Andrew, David, Lutz, and Evan respectively.

My hate towards you amounts to the number of times I've ever fucked up -- and considering that me being born was the biggest fuck up the universe could make I'd say it was a sizable amount.

Speaking of amounts, my hate towards you surpasses the difference in the ratio of you to Andrew and possibly Lutz (you do know what a ratio is don't you?), I'd think that wouldn't need an explanation but then again -- you're Tyler -- wait do you even know who the fuck Lutz or Andrew are?

My hate towards you is about as great as it could be -- which is not great at all cause YOU FUCKING SUCK. If anything can describe you well enough the closest I can get to is retarded.

I'd say my hate towards you amounts to all that matter in the universe, but no not even that can amount to the burning despisement eating at my soul, wow you made me hate you so much I got a fucking soul thanks a lot asshat. I think I hate my new found soul as much as I hate a nanofraction of you. And that isn't even a fucking word -- I had to create a new word just to try and come up with a suitable adjective to describe how much I despise you.

I hate you so much that I'd become an alcoholic 4329320948308349 more times just to die from alcohol poisoning over and over again for millennia before I'd even be in the same universe with you. Wait... DAMMIT. Guess I'll get out the alcohol...

Hey remember those fanfics that you blatantly shared with like the most judgmental people ever on the whole team with? Remember the line regarding Andrew as "He's about as short as [T]yler is fat -- and that's saying something"(Cringy Fanfics)? Yeah I just sited myself -- the hate I have towards you transcends how stupid that just was. Actually I think your mental capacity is a short as Andrew -- if not less so. It may seem severely unlikely but my burning hatred is telling me otherwise.

Going back to that quote, I admit that I may have been wrong -- yes now I'm the stupid one, but nevertheless I admit that you MAY be fatter than Andrew. Actually there's no doubt about it you really ARE. 

There is no doubt in my mind that you will most definitely be in the same situation your boyfriend is at the moment. Only it won’t be Type 1, no — it will surely be Type 2. Or it may surpass the normally only two categories — yeah your diabetes will transcend into Type 3 or Type 4. Knowing you, it will most likely be around Type 324374347448308149843+, and that STILL isn’t that much of an accurate assumption. 

Right now, Kairi, per usual, is ranting about her love for Korean shit, and that got me thinking. I think I may despise you more than her obsession with Korea, I know, I know — that is a rather bold statement to make, but now that I think about it more and more evidence points to its viability. 

My hatred towards you most likely surpasses the amount of time I procrastinate on most everything, have you even seen the amount of shit I’ve still got to write? One story in particular I’ve been planning since 2017, and I’ve only NOW written half of a scene consisting of around 600 words, and that was only when I was so fucking bored out of my mind.

You — Tyler — couldn’t even attract your own cousin if you tried — much less your own siblings. Have you even seen how cringy his advances on his younger siblings are? I daresay it may be more cringy than the fanfics I write… wrote. 

Ah… it all comes down to this doesn’t it. The Cringy Fanfics. I spent literal hours writing those when I had the chance, all of it wasted due to your stupidity. A ripple of agony shoots through my soul every time I reminisce of the agony and sweat of the writing process, every day seeming pointless without my attempts at humouring my friends… May I remind you that the seniors aren’t really my friends? Conley is the only exception. Because of you I’ll never get to write a Kairi x Conley fanfic, or Me x His Hat, or even all four of them in a foursome. It may seem trivial to you, but to me — to me it was everything. And you, why’d you have to go and tell them, to make me have to delete all the torturous hours of agony and sweat, the struggle of me coming up with a Faulkner reference, the pure suffering that went into these works of (in my HUMBLEST opinion) a r t. All just to be deleted, with a singular being snitching. Why must life hate me so?

At times like these I reach for the rope, and at times like these I think of you. Can you even hang yourself? I find it highly unlikely, the rope would not be able to take the sheer mass you hold upon your person. I believe in order for you to achieve this gargantuan feat, you will not only need the strongest material found in the foreseeable universe to make the fibers of said rope, but also enough of the material to stretch across to the unforeseeable universe in additional to the known one. This fact alone heightens my sense of depression.

As I think about the universe, I am bound to think of the planet I so involuntary inhabit along with you. I honestly don’t know how anyone can fit on the same planet as you — the earth would most likely have to consume itself twenty times over just to attempt to be seen next to your thicc ass. I honestly don’t know how you do it. Seriously how the fuck are you that fat?

Speaking of Earth, in case you didn’t figure it out already, knowing the levels of stupidity you’ve shown, have you ever realized how many fucking religions there are on this piece of shit planet? And you know what’s the worst religion ever? Take a hint retard — HITLER. Maybe I was too expectant of your abilities… DO I NEED TO FUCKING SPELL IT OUT FOR YOU? J-e-w-s. Maybe you can’t read that because of the dashes, thats how retarded you are. I’m not even exaggerating. Just because you’re fat doesn’t mean you aren’t necessarily a jew, it most likely just means that you’re a pregnant jew. Congratulations on being one of the first pregnant men — then again all your achievements will be put down as if they don’t exist for the sole fact that you’re a jew. And may I remind you that I FUCKING DESPISE JEWS. I HATE JEWS ON A LEVEL MORE THAN I HATE MY VERY EXISTENCE — AND THAT _ DEFINITELY _SAYS SOMETHING. The thing that says even more about this debacle is that I in some god forsaken way despise you WAY more than the jews. Hitler would either be rather disappointed in me, or would hate you with the same burning passion as I do.

You would put Mona Lisa’s ass to shame, that really is something considering Duchamp’s rendition of her — I doubt you’ll remember anything of that sort, though. Nevertheless, the Mona Lisa one ups you in one category — her ass is hot. I doubt ANYONE — even Lutz or Andrew or David or Evan— well Evan may think its hot but that’s besides the point (he is your boyfriend after all, he’s supposed to give you meaningless platitudes) — would call your ass hot. Also considering the only person that would ever consider doing that is a guy, I’d say that’s pretty gay, not gonna lie. 

On the topic of ass, have you ever read Apuleius’s _ The Golden Ass _? I’m sure you know a lot about that subject, but bro — your ass isn’t even copper. Like, step it up a bit. I can’t even look at you anymore — who doesn’t have a golden ass anymore? What peasant put you on this earth. God I don’t think is a peasant, so get your religious bullshit outta here. Considering the book in question is of a guy metamorphosising (I have no idea how to spell that) INTO a golden ass, I’d like to say there is SOME hope for you, but unfortunately I won’t lie to you. 

You know I’ve got to hand it to you, I didn’t think you were that bad before. Oh how wrong I was. Tis but a ruse — this whole thing. I didn’t think that you’d turn in such a fashion. I must question the sanity of your actions… What made you even THINK showing the seniors my work was a good idea? What hellish demons have you called into yourself that forced you to commit such heinous deeds? Have you honestly gone mad? If so it might be for the best, I wouldn’t know what to think had you consciously made the decision to do such an uncalled for action of sinnnnnn.

Honestly, I think I may abhor you even more than Lutz — even if that’s possible. Though I do believe it is indeed possible, considering I actually felt some fucking emotion for once. I honest to God may abhor you more than Lutz — congratulations, the only stunning achievement you shall ever achieve in your pathetically short life. Nevertheless, my previous still stands — considering you are of the Jewish faith, you shall never achieve anything of note; therefore even this stunning achievement shall never see the light of day. I’d love to console you on this, but alas, what good would that give me? More purging of my life’s work? I’d honestly rather not.

Considering my life’s work, I think I may hate you as much as I love fanfics, vocaloid, Kairi, etc. Oh we can’t forget about Conley’s hat either. Honestly fuck you Tyler. Imagine how many people are going to shit talk me now. Especially since it’s individuals I’ve known for over a year. Not known well, not at all, but I’ve still interacted with them. I’ve had to delete all my previous fanfics for fear of this exact situation happening. Then you — painfully oblivious (hopefully — for your sake) — go and tell them. Why would you fucking do that — just w h y. 

I would like to say I regret all of it — the whole creation of the fanfics during the long, winded hours of the summer, but I don’t. What I do regret is giving you the means to spread it to the rest of the team. With the many regrets I hold from my actions over the years, I will make you regret that single action the most…

Speaking of regrets, I wonder who regrets being around you the most? I surely only scratch the surface of feeling regret… I hope you yourself feel the most regret, I surely wouldn’t want to put that burden on anyone else. I wonder if any gun would be able to penetrate that thick skull of yours — I would certainly be pleased, but alas very unlikely and I surely shan’t get my hopes up.

I have now resigned myself to have #noregerts, as very wisely summed up in a pornographic game. I wonder if you’ll ever be a pornstar. Alas tis but wishful thinking, I doubt anyone that didn’t have a severe head injury would jerk off to you fucking Evan.

As I am typing this, my music keeps on randomly pausing — as if waiting for something to happen. I feel as if this is a relatively accurate representation of our current situation, I keep on waiting for your ultimate demise as you struggle to stay alive, just as the music repeatedly attempts to start back up. Their efforts are useless, however, only I can start it. Only I can end your suffering, Tyler, for I promise that your death will be in agony. Jesus Christ that got edgy, just remember everything I say is, for legal reasons, a joke.

Did you know that you can’t copyright ideas, even if they are your own? That means I most likely can’t copyright the amount of hatred I feel towards you. People would have to pay me money just to hate you as much as I do. If that situation were ever present I would make little to no profit — that’s how strongly the burning rage inside me is. I’m pretty sure only you yourself could hate you as much as I do. At least I’d be making a profit out of your own self-loathing…

The date is November 10th, which marks the anniversary of us actually becoming friends, which also marks the creation of several classic memes — you know what those memes are now? DEAD. I hope you meet the same fate sooner rather than later… You know, thinking of all the memes we made that day, I’m pretty sure you’re fatter than the Beta Vulgaris, which is pretty obvious, but you may also surpass Orange Shirt Kid In terms of size… Now that’s pretty hard to believe — but then again, you ARE Tyler.

Speaking of memes, have you realized you haven’t been in ANY of the memes I’ve made recently? This was unconsciously decided by me, and I must applaud myself for being able to

My computer just glitched the fuck up, and now the document is on the left side of the screen. Normally I’d say this shows you are a leftist, which you obviously are — just look at yourself, but this had me thinking, if you are on the left side that means you aren’t right. And you are NEVER right, Tyler. Literally the only thing you’ve ever gotten right is being fucking stupid. 

While typing this, I decided to consume one of those huge ass mints, and that got me thinking — can anything be large enough for you to actually choke on. No don’t make this shit kinky I’m legitimately curious, I doubt even the sun could commit that feat. The sun would most likely just slide right into your lungs without you giving a second thought — thats how fucking huge you are — even the sun is an atom compared to your massive size.

I sip at my (hopefully) non-alcoholic drink and think — what have I done to the world to deserve this utter madness? The near absolute drink of mine doesn’t help in the slightest, the temperature dampens on the carbonation — unlike its sugary counterpart. The liquid sears my throat with its painful combination of suppressed fizzyness and cold as shit temperature. This also would be a great analogy for English teachers to analyze… I suppose I see all the world as an analogy for the struggle of existence nowadays. 

I have most certainly gone insane, and I have you to thank for this utter bliss. I do still fucking hate you, y’know, but insanity has granted me some relief — as my fanfics had back in the day. The banter of everyday life has granted me some relief from the throbbing ache in my heart, caused by you of all people. I should’ve known not to show anyone those fanfics, not to give the means to share them, not to have told anyone in the first place. The only consolation I have is that neither David or Andrew have found out about them — then again even that isn’t certain… 

I sip again at the abhorrent drink — a mixture of seltzer water and a fuck ton of really gay ice. I think back to the word abhorrent — or abhor as I more commonly say. I abhor a rather large amount of individuals, don’t I? I might’ve once thought that I abhor you as much as this drink, but no — it is lightyears past that already. Lutz really is nothing compared to the hatred I feel for you. My head aches everytime I think about it.

Seriously ow, my head is literally throbbing with some major-league pain. What has brought this upon my person? Have you come to reenact your revenge for me writing a huge ass 9 page rant about you? With every throb, my despisement heightens to levels I wouldn’t have even thought possible — why must I suffer so?

Speaking of suffering, you know my thoughts about it by now… Or do you? I wonder if you can even comprehend the thought of suffering, maybe you really are that stupid — I mean you did tell the seniors about my CLEARLY satirical fanfics. Anyways on the tangent of suffering — I hope you have a lot of it, I mean you’re the size of the universe expanded by twenty — I’d think that there’d be enough space.

The time currently is 3:33 — oh how I wish for such order to exist in the rest of life. Alas, the time has to change eventually — and with it the order that had been made. Such anarchy reminds me of you, you know? Hopefully I shall notice the time in an hour, the godly number — 4:33. I hope you’ll get silenced for eternity in that minute, it would do Cage justice.

You know what else would do me justice? You dying. Jkjk. Unless…? This makes me think of the time you snorted Doritos, I hope it burned like hell, cause it surely wouldn’t compare to the burning hatred inside me. I wonder what else you could snort to get the same effect. I’m sure if we got together all the stars in the known universe together it would make some impact upon your gargantuan lungs. Unless you really ARE that obese. Probably.

The painful throbbing in my skull has lessened somewhat, and this reminds me of that thick-headed skull of yours. What do you have in there? Dick? Peanut butter? The former seems more likely. It would reflect you pretty well — that’s for sure. A DICK BELONGS IN YOUR PANTS NOT YOUR PERSONALITY GOD DAMMIT. Unless you’re a child molester, I guess.

I just remembered that molestar is the verb for ‘to bother’ in Spanish. Does that mean you molest everyone you interact with? Especially Andrew or David or Lutz or Brian or Evan — but he is your significant other after all, so I guess he’s excused. I wonder who else you molest with your presence? That is quite a skill to have — I have to give you that. You’d be a good priest or teacher, that’s for sure. I wish you luck in your fruitless search for a career. Oh yes I’ll be sure to make it fruitless, alright. You have my word.

My internet friend just asked what being strangled is like, which brought me back to my earlier point about you not being able to hang yourself. What if you had a binding kink? Would you even TRY to attempt anything of the sort because of you size and lesser than normal intellect? 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To Be Continued Until We Reach 100,000 Words. (3,309 / 100,000)


	38. Kairo's Rendition Of David x Andrew

_Andrew x David_

FADE IN:

INT. HALLWAY - AFTERNOON

ANDREW

(Whispering romantically)

Yo, David, wanna go into this dark room and be all close and shit.

DAVID

Sure, I got nothing better to do.

ANDREW

N I C E

INT. DARK ROOM - MOMENTS LATER

DAVID is laying down, looking at his phone. ANDREW is attempting to slowly move on top of him. DAVID sort of is enjoying it, so he says nothing.

ANDREW

Dave, this is nice.

DAVID

Who the fuck is Dave, are you cheating on me?

At that moment, ANDREW and DAVID hear everyone else walking down the hall.

SOMEONE

Hey, where's Andrew and David?

SOMEONE #2

They were right behind us not that long ago.

ANDREW and DAVID quickly hide behind some chairs and act as they arent there. Everyone else walks past the room, unknowing that ANDREW and DAVID are in there. ANDREW and DAVID move back to laying on the floor.

DAVID

Are we going to discuss who the fuck 'Dave' is.

ANDREW

Thats my new nickname for you.

DAVID

(Smiling happily)

Then I need a nickname for you.

ANDREW leans over DAVID and whispers into his ear. At that exact moment, everyone passes by again and sees, leading to much laughter and DAVID and ANDREW acting as though they were just looking at a phone. Everyone else much ships.

The end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Credit Goes To Kairi


	39. Kairo's Rendition Of Me x Conley's Hat

_Me x Conley's Hat_

FADE IN:

INT. MRS MORENO'S CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON

It is a practice like any others, with one difference. CONLEY'S HAT is looking extra cute in ANASTASIA's eyes. She is simply talking to KAIRI and LUTZ when CONLEY walks in his his HAT on his head and ANASTASIA can't stop staring.

ANASTASIA

(Staring at HAT)

Is it just me, or does Conley's hat look extra S P I C Y today?

CONLEY overhears and turns his head. ANASTASIA closely watches HAT as she finally sees the front. A smirk appears on ANASTASIA's face as her thoughts move to how sexy HAT is.

CONLEY

(Laughing)

Why are you obsessed with my hat?

ANASTASIA can't hear anything over the loud thumping of her heart, and she sprints to grab HAT. HAT is kidnapped by ANASTASIA and taken to a dark cellar. HAT is thrown into cage next to other hats that had once been ANASTASIA's biggest crushes. ANASTASIA's phone rings and she sees CONLEY's name and she decides to answer.

ANASTASIA  
(Into phone)  
'Sup?

CONLEY  
(Through phone)  
'Sup? Where the fuck is my hat?

ANASTASIA  
(Into phone)  
In my secret fucking chamber.

CONLEY  
(Through phone)  
What the fuck Anastasia?

ANASTASIA  
(Into phone)  
No, not 'what the fuck', fucking chamber.

CONLEY  
(Through phone)  
God dammit. Can I have my hat back?

ANASTASIA  
(Into phone)  
Not until I'm done with it.

ANASTASIA hangs up and fucks HAT before sending it back to CONLEY.

INT. MRS MORENO'S CLASSROOM - AFTERNOON - NEXT DAY

CONLEY enters the room and ANASTASIA notices he doesn't have HAT with him.

ANASTASIA  
What's the gender of your hat? I need to know if that was gay or not?

The end. (But definitely no the end of ANASTASIA's hat fucking.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All Credit Goes To Kairi


	40. Andrew x Kairo

_Andrew x Kairo_

Andrew And Kairp Made A Suicide Pact Then Killed Themselves And Fucked Each Other's Body

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made During The Gay Ass Pep Rally We Had In Like 3 Seconds


	41. Andrew x Lutz

_Andrew x Lutz_

So Uhhhhhhhhhhhhh Everyone On The Team Committed Suicide Except For ANDREW And Lutz

And They Were Like

Shit

Then They Fucked

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Made at same pep rally cause Andrew decided to sit with us even though there was barely any room  
So I was like hes obvs gay for Loots


	42. Tyler x Evan

_Tyler x Evan_

"DON'T CARESS ME" Evan yelled, startling literally everyone in the cafeteria. They all stared at him. Tyler slowly retracted and pretended whatever just happened didn't. Evan tried to die while Tyler started making jokes about his diabetes, which reminded Evan that he had to do what diabetes peoples do I guess.

"What if we ate his diabetes" Tyler said to the group. Lutz, Kairi, Anastasia, and Evan looked at him. 

"You know, that isn't a bad idea," I chimed in. Everyone then looked at me, which I couldn't take, and proceeded to kill myself with a spork. No one minded the blatant attempt at suicide, this happen almost 5284894932 times a week, so basically it was a natural occurrence.

"How about let's not" said Lutz in his usual Lutziness. Evan looked at him, Lutz was looking pretty sexy, now that he thought about it. Tyler noticed Evan's lust-filled expression aimed and Lutz and was appalled. 

"You know what? Fuck you Lutz" Tyler said vitriol lacing his every word "No wonder everyone despises you." 

"I don't despise you" Evan said to Lutz. Everyone stared at him.

"How is that even possible?" I asked. Tyler triumphantly looked at Evan, but his pleasant mood was short-lived.

"Well none of you DESPISE me, you all just abhor me, right?" Lutz defended.

"Oe yeahhhhhhhh" everyone wisely commented. Tyler looked at Lutz with a burning hatred he'd never felt before. Evan was HIS -- Lutz would not take him from him. Tyler decided to try and seduce Evan with his obviously amazing way with words.

"Imagine having diabetes, hah -- what'd ya do, eat too much sugar?" Ah yes he'll definitely get Evan on his knees with this one. Evan, in turn, looked aghast, which quickly turned into defensiveness.

"It's type 1 -- I was born with it." Well that didn't go as planned. Tyler pause for a moment, before unleashing another torrent of his poetic speech that was sure to get anyone aroused in seconds.

"Oh yeah? Well-well you have both Type 1 AND Type 2 -- hah what a loser." Evan will surely fall for this -- no one could ever resist the oh so seductive phrases coming from his mouth, not even the god-like being that was Evan.

Evan instead just gave Tyler an unimpressed looked and continued eating. Tyler had the big confusion because his massive intellect hadn't imagined this would've occurred. Evan was deeply offended cause he's a FRESHman and he's fresh with being offended. Evan decided to do his drugs and shit cause the blood sugars found the weed again and got high as fuck.

Tyler stared at Evan doing heroin-- I mean lowering his blood sugar. Prick went the needle and Tyler instantly had many mmm spicy things on his mind. As the needle p e n e t r a t e d the skin Tyler made it his life's goal to seduce Evan. 

"Hey Evan -- is that DRUGSAFSLHJLFALJFKDJFALK?" Tyler said in an accusatory tone -- which he thought was awfully sexy. Evan pointedly looked at him and injected whatever he injects into himself. 

The lowered blood sugar heightened Tyler's arousal and paradoxically stopped in his attempts at seduction; no he wouldn't wait anymore -- fuck consent.

"You don't need consent for it to be consensual" I reminded everyone after giving up at my failed attempt at a spoon induced lobotomy.

"Yeah, Evan..." Tyler was looking pretty hungry right about now. Evan tried not to eat himself as Tyler presumably went to eat him. Instead he SUCCED Evan into a syringe and injected him into his bloodstream. 

Ah Yes.

Delicious.

The End


	43. Kairi x Cdramas

_Kairi x Cdramas Apparently_

It was war. 

War... war never changes. 

I still have vivid flashbacks till this very day

_...VIETNAM_

War never drifted from the fundamentals, it never had--

Not for humans, nor for generalized types of media that are Cdramas, Kdramas, etc... 

There used to be civil peace between the various types of visual entertainment. They went without conflict for many years and were allowed to flourish under their respective directors and viewers, as stated in NAtion-anal Degree #243498... Not that theyd allow you to think otherwise. Anyways they lived in this state of perpetual peace for quite some time.

Everything changed when the fire nation attacked.

And by that I mean the kdramas overpopulated the meager space they resided in Kairi's mind (wait does that mean Kairi's mind vored them? That technically means this fanfic doesn't even have to exist -- the ship was completed. Disgusting. Anyways these are but mere technicalities...). And by that I mean Kairi started watching WAY too many kdramas (like a NERD) (wait would that even make sense?) (Technicalities...) and the Cdramas and JDramas I guess got evicted out of their respective properties like the illegal immigrants that they are.

I sought to evict the remaining immigrants cause EW ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS TAKING OVER ALL OUR JOBS FUCK EM, I made it my life's work to purify Kairi's _DISGUSTING _mind (jkjk) (unless...?) in which resided SO many DISGUSTINGLY FILTHY I M M I G R A N T S. 

I had begun concocting a brilliant dodecahedron step plan that would make Kairi to become so disgusted at the very thought of Korea, which would in turn deport those disgusting beings back into their own country. Get fucked.

In the midst of my planning, Kairi had caught me off guard and probably realized what I was trying to do. She was flabbergasted at the very thought that I'd try and kill off her obsession (well its not that surprising but still) (technicalities) and decided to fight fire with fire (yes lets burn ALL of the amazon together) (wait shes into environmental shit) (technicalities) She upped her offensive skillz and proceeded to try and defeat my almighty god-likeness by listening to the _despicable_ entity that is KPOP. 

Oe it was UNBEARABLE -- the only thing that kept me sane was the thought that eventually all my anguish and suffering would pay off -- in the destruction of the despisable force that is KOREA (not north korea tho) (they cool). In the eternal pain that I had no second of relief from I put my octagonal plan into action, oe this one will surely be one for the history books...

I forced Kairi to watch some korean hentai so she'd be scarred for life and be forced to evict the gay af illegal immigrants that were kdramas.

Surprisingly that... didn't work? 

What the fuck. 

HOW FUCKED UP IS HER MIND?

In my rage I brought out the pistol I was gonna use to shoot up the school with, or maybe just to commit a public act of suicide, anyways I had a new purpose for it now. I held the gun as far away as I could and pointed it at Kairi's head. She turned to face me just as I forced my fingers to pull the trigger.

The ends justify the means, as I always say (granted in my head but still)(technicalities).

I looked at the hand that committed such a treacherous act. The full weight of what I'd just done hit me full force -- luckily there was still a bullet in the weapon I'd just acted upon with. There was only one thing that _could _be done now.

I put the gun up to my head.

_War never ends._

The End


	44. Chicken x Eggs

_Chicken x Eggs_

"**Father** I desire _E g G_" the chicken said to God with his ultra seductive voice. God instantly felt the waves of arousal coming off the chicken and he couldn't help but mimic them. God then decided to consider this demonically seductive chicken's single wish -- **E G G**. 

The chicken awaited God's response. He knew that his actions against his previous egg were entirely s i n f u l, even Satan couldn't forgive him for that predicament. As an attempt at peace the chicken poured all of his lustful energy into his request. He NEEDED e _G _**g**!

Before giving in to the scandalous chicken's desires he questioned whether he should allow him with free reign of an ENTIRE _**E** G _g.

"Don't you think a whole e G GG Gg is way too much for you after the stunt you pulled last time?" God confronted the chicken.

The chicken was elated at the fact that God had even responded to indulge in his rather uncouth desires. He decided to play some epic mind gaymes with the Creator of _C _**h**e **gg**. "I concede that an entire E g gG is WAY too much for a fetishizing gaylord as myself to have, but I'll cut you a deal ------- I'll take the eGg**_SSSSS_**S_SS**SSS**_**SS**SSSSSSSS. As in pural."

God in his epic wisdom thought that plurality meant less than one and conceded to the whims of the epic chad that was the chiken. God gifted the majestic chicken with 43298249834437 hundred egh**sa**df_kjfsr_gs. Yes that is definitely less than one e **gg **g _g_.

The chicken felt like he was in heaven, which he was -- he was granted access after seducing god with his majestic e _g g_ s. No one -- not even Kairi could resist them. He was a bona fide THOT -- I mean he does breathe a lot. Fuck women -- disgusting. 

Chicken decided he felt like inhaling God and his **e _g_** g s s **gs**g**s** _g_sg** sgs****s**ssg_gs_. God had one final wish though -- he wanted someone to omlet his eggs, they inhale better that way. The master chef Bob -- who was also a tomato that used to star in many christian pornos with his lover -- uhhh what was the pickles name in veggie tales again. Im gonna call him xxxpicklesuckerxxx. Perfect. 

Anyways Bob used his epic pickle sword to kajew the **_eggs_** while the chicken watched with lust filled eyes. He couldn't wait to inhale god like his morning coke -- why was the chicken in heaven again? Oe yeah he ate God's children and seduced him with his marvelou**s e**E _g g**G **__s g_**G**_**s gS**s_. 

The chicken was getting mega antsy so he decided to swagger over to his gargantuan children -- mountain sized **e_g_**_g_**s**. The chicken couldn't stop himself from eating them. God watched him with vague dissaproval then joined. It was delicious.

Bob and his side hoe xxxpicklesuckerxxx finished omletting the **E g**G_**G SS**s_s, then the chicken inhaled the universe. 

The End


	45. Ms. Z x Pumpkin Spice

_Mrs Z x Pumpkin Spice_

Ms Z Walked Into The Starbucks And Instantly Knew The Identity Of The Smell That Wafted Through The Restaurant -- Pumpkin Spice. mmmm

Ms Z Decided To Be A Basic White Girl For Christmas Because President Brian Decided To Make Columbus Day Thanksgiving -- And The Only Thing Ms Z Loves More Than Thanksgiving Is Pumpkin Spice. She Could No Longer Indulge In Her One And Only Love -- Which Was Made From The Spiciest Pumpkin Available, If Not We Finna Sue Starbooks

She Could No Longer Show Affection Toward The Spicy Pumpkin Due To The Fact She'll Instantly Be Called A Basic White Girl By Literally Everyone. That Is Why She Concocted This Brilliant Plan, For Once She Was Greatful Brian Moved Thanksgiving To October.

Then It Hit Her That It Wasn't The 31st Yet And She'd Still Be Considered A Basic White Girl. Gosh Heccing Darnit. She'll Have To Wait Like Half A Month Till She Can Attempt To Reach Her Lover Again.

With A Solemn Farewell, She Left The Store, Feeling About .02% More Depressed -- If That Was Even Possible. Another Month Of Waiting -- She Had Attempted This Same Action Half A Month Ago When Brian Announced Pumpkins Were Fricc-able.

After Lord Brian Announced That Law Many Pumpkin Strip Clubs Were Established And Ms Z Was Ecstatic. Too Bad Only Basic White Girls Were Allowed Inside, The First Time Ms Z Attempted To Battle Royale Her Way Into One Of Them She Had To Be Escorted By A Security Banana -- One Of The Most Feared Creatures In The Universe.

The Flashbacks Never End...

Anyways In Half A Month's Time She'll Be Able To Frick Some Spicy Pumpkins In Her Basic White Girl Outfit. The Reason She Couldn't Do This Now Is Due To The Fact That There Would Be Massive Public Outrage -- She Would Probably Lose Her Job As Well. I Mean It's A Pretty Shitty Job But Still (Technicalities).

Imagine Being A Spicy Pumpkin. Disgusting.

Ms Z Spent That Half Month In Anguish, Nervously Waiting, Counting Down The Days Until She Can Finally Have Even A Glimpse Of Her One And Only Love. It Was Torture -- Hell As The Cool Kids Say These Days. Gotta Catch Up On The Newest "Trend", You Should Always Attempt To Be "Hip" With The Kids And Very " Trendy" -- Even When Faced With Pain Unlike No Other. Yeahhhhh.

Even Though The Half Month Felt Like It Would Last An Eternity, It Was Finally Halloween -- She Could Finally Visit Her One True Love -- Her Pumpkin Spice, Spicy Pumpkin, Pumpkin That Vored Spice, Snorted Spice Pumpkin, Drugged Spice Pumpkin, Pumpkin That Ate Spice's Ass, Pumpkin That Got High Off Spice, Etc. Ms Z Got Her Friccing Attire Out Of The Closet (Why Am I Writing This Shit) -- Which Included A Hecc Ton Of Scrunchies And Basic White Girl Attire.

When She Arrived At The Pumpkin Strip Club Where Her Ex-Lover And Soon-To-Be Lover Worked. She Was Let Through Without A Word -- No One Even Glanced Her Way.

Ms Z Swaggered Over To The Minibar And Asked For A Spicy Pumpkin -- Only To Be Awarded With The Worst Words She'd Ever Hear. Disgusting.

"Unfortunately All The Pumpkin Spices Killed Themselves Because Too Many Vsco Girls Tried To Jump Them"

Ms Z Was Crushed. She Collapsed Onto The Floor In A Broken Heap Right Then And There In The Middle Of A Bunch Of Drunken Wife-Beaters, Who Quickly Evacuated The Premises After Realizing The Police Had Just Infiltrated The Bar. The Police Were Under Orders To Kill Literally Everyone, Including Innocents, Just Because Someone Thought It Would Be A Fun Halloween Party Prank.

Let's Just Say No One Made It Out Of There Alive That Night. Not Even The Wife-Beaters.

The End


	46. Me x Crowbar

_Me x Crowbar_

FADE IN

SOME NIGHTCLUB OR sOme SHIT IDK -- NIGHT OBVIOUSLY YOU SHITHEAD

In the dim lighting of an open bar, I sit next to a HOMELESS DUDE, drunken and alone, feeling right at home.

ME

HEY YOU GOT ANY BOOZE FUCKTARD?!

HOMELESS DUDE

GET YOUR OWN YOU USELESS PIECE OF BReAD!!!

ME: NOTICE SCANTILY CLAD CROWBAR

ME

That crowbar be lookin like a snacc ngl, What do you think HOMELESS DUDE?

HOMELESS DUDE

Im not fucking homeless, and MY crowbar never goes hungry, thank-you-very-much.

SCANTILY CLAD CROWBAR swaggers over to the pair

CROWBAR

You guys wanna fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck?

ME

Hell ye boiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii.

THEY BOTH GLANCE AT NOT SO HOMELESS DUDE

ME

How about you, HOMELESS DUDE?

HOMELESS DUDE

I already have a crowbar. I DEFINITELY don’t go home and abuse it every day

ME: FUCK CROWBAR AND STOP WRITING THIS GAY ASS FANFIC

The End

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Kairi wanted me to write a screenplay and this is what you get. Be grateful.


	47. The Dangers and Consequences of Listening to Kpop

Why Kpoop and its shitty stans are fucking horrible

A Rhetorical Analysis

We set the stage in the modern day as people, present, past, and future celebrate the initiation of the kpop acts. There are many skeptics of these laws, acts, whatever, but for the most part people are happy. Much like the Jim Crow Laws, some of my favourite works of literature.

We meet the many kpop stans who are excited and ready for the new release of hot top hits such as egg and whirlypool. They will soon meet their soon to be gods of music -- the kkkook, the one who raids the kitchen pantry, whollups a load of peanut butter onto his best friends pita bread, then sets fire to his pot for failing him in the crucial step of multilingual pizza making.

Yeah the kkkooking man is the only kpoopoo star in existence. I dont understand why people are into kpp so much. like yucky

id much rather eat koojers pita bread pizza peanut allergy dead bread

gthe law of kpio grows steady ass more and more eiipoeoro are starte to get the brain clean thing

thin

like thin pita bread

i cant fucking escape it man

i c a n e s c a p e t h e k p i t a p e a n u t b u t t e r d e a t h b r e a d

shit i forgot a letter

kpop lied to me

i can escape the bread

i am free

give me your kpop slaves oe lord kkkookerjewser

please

no he says

jews are only for me

the delicious kook

i fall to my knees as i beg

but i need exactly one and a half slaves to rid myself of the pita bread stench 

oe wonderful and glorious saviour

but no

the kook shakes his head vehemetly

you are not allowed the glory of having slaves

only us magnificent koreans are allowed that high privelage

and i could only gasp

but kookie monster, for how have i forsaken your great and merciful grace

kookmeinster looks at me with disgust

we have no need for women such as thee

not even the most worthless slave is fit for such and imbecile such as thee

go back to your despicable village and out of my most ggrandiose sight

i leave while the bowels of wrath stir inside me

how dare our merciful lords be so unforgiving

so what if im not korean

who would even want to be korean

not realizing i have yelled this allowed my first follower yells in agreement as i startle

i as well have been disgraced by the all mightiful kookister

i might as well fall off the banister

i look at them in despair

for how will we combat the hair

the hair

of the koreans

their bowlss of black

and skin of gay

will you take my life away

he stares back at me and says

we must not delay

the time for battle is nigh

we must gather our troops

and defeat the kkkorean kkool kid society

i stare at him

utterly flummoxed

and i slowly nod my head

but where shall we amass such an incredible army

oe saviour of my soul

he secrets a wink and looks down

tis in the dicks!

he cries

the dicks hold the secret to our overwhelmenly large army

i quickly saw the logic of his ways

we must assume the royalty of the gays

i nod to him as i whip out my shlong

only twelve hours before my dick is gone

we make our way down in a bustle

to the castle

to the palace of the gays

the gays

the gays hold strong

but when they witness the magnificence of my shlong

they dont remain standing for long

on their knees they beg

for how can we win your huge dick

i look down at them

insignificant as they were

they had use

take me to see the kkkisser

i said with a droll tone

the kkkollage of many amazing rulers

you will fight alongside us as we go to overthrow

his disgustingly plebian palace

my companion added as well

we need to steal his noose

for the way it can smell

we have nothing to lose

on our way

accompanied by the gay

we stop at a corner pub

for a small shot of melon

inside they play the sin

the sin for which i have long forgotten

the sin for which makes my blood boil

the sin that turned away my request for one and a half slaves

k p o p

staring at the radio as i walk in

alongside my companion and the army of gays we have amassed

i reach the counter

and politely demand for them to turn off that abhorrent noise

but no they say

the music is for the people

and the abhorrent people that like kpop

i stand over them as they fall to their knees

i for one command the people

for all of the people are gay

fall to your knees before i

as i slaughter every one of you with my anger

they all cower before me as i reach the radio

the radio

the radio that would not stop playing that abhorrent noise

of my most merciful god

lord kkkooker

i hesitate as the crowd watches

do i really want to go against my one and only god

to betray the only love i ever held

the love that was forced upon me

by the koreans

i decide then that yes

it is worth going against all the morals that have been taught to me

if only to gain my one and a half slave

i smashed the radio with my superior cock

as the crowd unwillingly cheered

i marched out of the pub

with my war hardened companion at my side

the one who never left my side

for 12 minutes

the one who committed me to this

plan of action

the action that would more than likely result in my death

the action that would probably not liberate the thousands of non koreans under kkkooks control

under my lords magnificent and powerful control

march onward my little gays

i yelled with the force of the many radios

that haunted my nightmares

we shall prevail

against the torrent of holyness

projected by our one amazingly cool god

my companion bellowed at me

the gates

the gays cannot penetrate the gates

we must find another way

i yelled back at them

we have no time

my massive dick will dissappear in about 2 hours

we must break through the thicc walls

the thiccness of whom cannot even be measured

not even by the thiccest piece of pasta

the only thing that could be compared to such a bigly magnitudely gate

could be the size of my lords ass

lord kkkys

how did i not think of it sooner

we must kill the wall

not penetrate t hrough it

i shouted my thoughts at the gays

they all felt very stupid and promptly killed the gate

my gracious ruler must be getting a little worried by now

we have passed the majority of his defense

we near his private quarters

which has a throne the size of jupiter

i fling open the doors as he turns his gorgeous head

my most delicious and beautiful lord

i bellow at him as he stares at the army i have gather

my companion stand by my side as the air clears

i turn to him with an affronted gaze

the spotlight is mine and mine alone

for whom shoould i share the spotlight

it is my long cock that built this huge army

not yours you pitiful peasant

he stares back at me

he glares

he _dares_

i turn to my one handsomely dressed god

the potato sack looks very nice on him

deciding to give my king one final offer

one final chance at salvation

i propose

i have amassed a great following of gays

and this rebel who thought he could outsmart you

surely this is worth at least one and a half slaves

my gracious merciful amazingly beautiful god?

my lord kkkritickalmosistboi just stares me down

menacingly

i look back at him head on

havent i said this before

disgusting roach

that you will never be getting any slaves from me

i told you

never to come back here

and yet you stand here

demanding my present

with your abnormally long cock

and im supposed to give you such riches

the kkkook is not impressed

such insolence will never be tolerated

my god has rejected me

and i have brought together an army of individduals

but for what

how can i live given the circumstances

the circumstances of being shunned by my overly amazing god

and my overly attractive lord

my companion looks at me knowingly

he takes charge and sends the gays onto my mercifully absolutely superb god

my only god

my lord

i yell at them to cease

but it seemed my dick has dissappeared

for the clock has passed 12

running over and seeing that my sensible

reasonable

graceful

attractive

and most amazing lord

has fallen cold

cold as the grave for which i dug myself

in the cold hard ground

the ground of which his body lies

the body of my beautifully cruel lord

i look at his bloodied corpse

as i feel the grief settle in

and i fall to my knees in despair

despair for my love

my god

my lord

the kkkook

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Today's been wacky


	48. Kairi Shoots Up Instagram HQ

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imma be adding all the fics I forgot to post

_Kairi x Insta Hq x Shooty Time_

Kairi was pissed. Instagram had gone too far this time. With all the "hashtags" and "blacklivesmatter movements", she just couldn't get away from it. Instagram fucking up every two seconds, not sending notifications (even though she secretly didn't want them received) -- and the people, man! Don't even get her started on those hypocrites.

She had long decided this platform really wasn't gonna work. And if she can't have it -- it stands to reason that no one else can either. If you can't enjoy it, you just destroy it, you know? 

A motto to live by.

Recently, Instagram's Headquarters had been leaked, along with the location -- and get this -- it was on their own fucking platform! The one time bad security measures was a good thing, and this time she didn't have to lift a finger. She's pretty sure this was the only good thing about that god awful platform.

All she needs now are the, uh, _accessories. _She could probably go the easy route and release her pet nuke into the wild, but that wouldn't be any fun now, would it? It needed to be more _personal_, her revenge needed to be _close_, she needs to see the life fade from each and every co-workers' eyes before she could be fully satisfied.

The stealth method would take too much planning, and that would take way too much planning. She has to get there before the up and leave the base, it would all be for naught if that happens. All her time and energy -- spent, _wasted_. No, she could not let that happen.

So, she decides upon the most inconspicuous weapon she could find that easily causes mass destruction in a long 30ft radius -- the _salad_. 

Brave men have died in her conquest of the legendary _Caesar Salad_, the one used by Caesar's court to assassinate him. This weapon must be brought back to its ancient roots -- _revenge_.

Decidedly, Kairi, salad in hand, walks up to front gates of the lordly _Instagram Headquarters_, marble floor shining underneath her feet, walls glowing from the sheer _wealth _the place exudes. The door was surprisingly NOT made out of glass like most wealthy buildings. Actually, looking at it now, the place didn't have ANY windows. Kind of suspicious. Maybe they're secretly using child workers, she wouldn't put it past them. 

Stepping inside the building, she glanced around, and surprisingly there wasn't a child in sight -- only a fetus working behind the counter. Perfectly legal, she admits. But the rest of the interior -- holy roman empire, it looks like absolute shit. 

It was made entirely of _dirt_. 

Kairi did not want to meet the architects behind this. Who did they even hire? People who got their degree from online classes? Unbelievable.

Haughtily sauntering over to the dirt-made disappointment of a table, she started vehemently demanding entrance, pointing at her very official health inspector badge. She went to online college for this shitty ass excuse for a badge! 

"You look kinda young to have a degree, miss." 

Ah, so the fetus is questioning her, how sad.

"Youre literally not even born yet." Kairi points an accusing finger toward the disgusting amalgamation of meat and fluids. Is this how a secretary is supposed to act towards potential customers? 

"I took an online course this morning." Like hell he did.

"I can tell by the architecture, did you do that too?"

"... That's qualified information." Ah, shes got him now. Heh.

"THAT I KNOW. I can and will report this monstrosity to OSHA, and you can kiss your sorry ass goodbye out of the workforce if you don't let me in _this instant_." Aggressively gesturing, she accents her complete willingness to ruin this man's whole future life if he doesn't comply.

Shakily, the fetus waves a hand towards the bed sheet behind him, "The room's back there, please, have mercy!"

Kairi smirks, "Mercy belongs to the Lord. Praise (insert some kpop star idk)!" 

She grabs her salad, ramming it into the poor fetus's sad attempt of a face. It yells in agony as it thrashes on the floor, all hope is lost for him. The Lord doesn't show any mercy.

It didn't deserve such a sad fate.

Throwing back the tattered bed sheet at the base of the entrance, bloodied salad in hand, she surveys the second grade excuse for a room. It's STILL ALL DIRT. Did they just dig a big hole somewhere without anyone noticing?

The small wine crate in the middle of the room acted as a makeshift coffee table, it looks like their workers recruited slaves, I mean uh, discussed business, in this room. The people sitting on the floor next to it looked as happy as the interior of building.

"You put ketchup on you salad? Bro wtf that's disgusting." 

The man commenting had on a well tailored suit, looking relatively like an actual big business owner. This must have been the owner, why was he even here? He's got employees for that, doesn't he?

Kairi just stared blankly at the man, who after a moment went back to doing what he was apparently doing before she stepped in, rustling papers and handling lawsuits. She might have to call back on this whole revenge thing, she might be willing to change up her plans if she pulls off the idea slowly formulating in her head.

"So, uh... Taxes, ey?" She took a step forward to get a closer look at the paperwork.

The man looked up at her, slight amusement playing across his face. "Yes, yes, the demand is pretty high this year. The IRS has been on my ass about it all month."

A smirk spread across her face as she turned from him and took a step toward the dirt wall. "I could, take care of them for you, if you get what I mean. For a small price, of course." Her fingers grazed against the wall, taking a few flecks of dirt with them.

The man's eyes narrowed. "So you're here for business?"

"Originally my plan was to take this place off the map, wipe it from existence, and deleting the evidence afterward. I was planning to kill all of you in cold blood and leave without a second glance, but then I saw the state of this place. The sorrow I felt for such a grand company to be reduced to such a state. I couldn't help but think, I could help you guys out, and maybe make a quick buck in the process." She was being quite forward with her purpose here, but it would be convincing enough that there was no way for him to decline.

"Oh then everything's in order. Are you looking to become an employee or a private investor?" Clasping his hands together, the man straightened, understanding the importance of the situation.

"Neither, I'd like to own half the business." Sure, it was an impressive demand, but she's got brute force on her side.

The man's eyes shifted to the salad. Looks like he's got the message.

"I'm sure that can be arranged. Have a seat." He gestured toward the dirt opposite his wine crate with a smile. 

"I'd like to stand if that's alright." It's all about asserting your dominance these days, can't show any weakness especially now.

"This is rather, unusual, for a business such as ours to do, but it can be worked out. I'd just need you to sign some legal papers and it'll be done." The man said calmly, almost as if it was scripted.

This was her chance to make it big, she was gonna be a star -- for a shitty company, admittedly, but at least she'd be swimming in money. That's the only goal in life, after all. Signing where prompted without a second glance, Kairi looked forward to her life of luxury.

She had many big plans for this disappointment of a company, after all.

The man then stood up, turning away from her. Crossing his arms, he slowly looked at Kairi, sly smirk spreading across his features. 

"Grab a pen, you've got lots of paperwork to do for me." He pointed to the wine crate.

... 

Aren't owners meant to shove this mundane work onto other employees? Then again the owner was doing paperwork on the floor himself so she can't exactly complain.

"You'll be living here for the rest of your life, _'co-owner'_, better get used to the place." The man said before heading toward the door. 

...

Kairi didn't know owning a business meant _living _in it. Then again how would she know? At least she's getting paid.

"Oh yeah, forget about getting paid -- it's not happening. We'll take care of the IRS ourselves." 

...

Where did her salad go?

"WAIT A MINUTE HERE MISTER."

The man stopped in his tracks. 

"...Yes?" 

"I thought I owned fifty percent of this establishment!" She was outraged, how dare she not get payed for her honest to god labor!

He laughed, "You got exactly what you signed up for, kid! Didn't you read the contract? This is EXACTLY what it means to own this business. So glad you took it off my hands!"

He grabbed the non-existent door frame as he swung around into the lobby. "See ya, kid! I'm off to stare at the sun until I'm blind! I haven't seen it in sixteen years, I expect a warm welcome!"

Kairi really hated Instagram. God damn she hated Instagram.

Her entire livelihood is in shambles thanks to this deal. Her freedom? Gone. Her dignity? Non-existent. Her property? Signed off.

She begrudgingly decided to do her contracted work, she didn't want to get sued after all. Maybe she could make some rum off the dead fetus in the lobby and get drunk afterwards, who knows?

Grabbing a pen from the wine crate, (why the hell wasn't there any wine inside?), she started shuffling through all the papers. She looked at her contract, which had been left by the former business owner, and paused.

At the top there was the company logo.

It read:

_"Toys R Us"_


	49. Frank x Gerard

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This random person who I haven't spoken to before just randomly asked me to write this fanfic like a couple months ago and I was like okay kinda weird but imma still write it so you get this monstrosity
> 
> no clue who the two people are but i tried my best (i think i dont remember)

_Frank x Gerard (Youre Welcome)_

I'm Not Edgy Enough To Know Who Gaylord And Fronk (From My Chemical Uranium Based Atomic Bomb) Are But Kool Aid Ass Drinking Is Hella Fun

So Gaylord And Frankie Boi Are Sitting On A Bench Admire Some Gay Ass Strippers Very Seductively Thrusting Their Bodies (And More Important Their Ass(es) ) In Everyone's Face.

As One Of The Stripper's Asses Came Into Contact With Gaylord, Frank Decided To Broach The Very Heinous Topic Of K o o l A C i d. Gaylord Had A Very Sheltered Fetish Of Kool Aid Inhaling, And All This Ass Action Gave Him A Very Big Brain Idea. Like Humongous Brain. So Much Brain.

"Yo Hotdog Drink A Fuck Ton Of Kool Aid And Shit It Down My Esophagus. It's What All The K o o l Kids Are Doing Nowadays Along With Shooting Up Schools." Gaylord Suggested Excitedly. He Had Heard That Frunk's Ass Was Like Looking Straight Into Heaven, He Wanted A Glimpse Of It Before Going To Hell For "Getting A Degree" In Children. Oe He Knew ALL About Children, He Had So Much Experience In THAT Field.

"I'm Not Gay My Lord," Frenk Said With Much Disagreement.

"If You Aren't Gay Whyd You Call Me Your Lord? MY NAMES LITERALLY GAYLORD YOU FUCKING PAPERCLIP" Gaylord Replied With Much Disappointment.

"hMMMmmmmMmMmMMM Fine. But Only If You Let Me Inhale You Afterwards," Reluctantly Agreed Frqnk.

"Deal"

Fr(The Hot Ass Dude)nk Went To His Local Dollar Store And Bought The Sun, Which He Promptly Drained Of Whatever Sun Is Made Of (Weed?) And Replaced It With Shit (And A Sprinkle Of Cinnamon) Flavoured Kool Acid -- Probably Gaylords Favourite.

GAYLORD Smiled At Fr(My Ass Is So Nice)nk As He Brought Out A Gun. Fr(Look At My Ass Gaylord)nk Decided To Roll With It -- It Wasn't The First Time Gaylord Brought A Gun To A Gay Strip Club. Like The One In Vegas. And Then He Brought One To El Paso. He Swears It's Just To Assert His Dominance -- He Definitely Hasn't Ever Shot Someone.

GAYLORD Shot Fr(Ow I Burned The Top Of My Mouth And Now My Nose Is Dripping Blood)nk In The Foot For Taking Too Long And Proceeded To Forcefully Strip Him. He Was So Aroused By His Borderline-Rape-y Actions That He Decided He Should Legitimately Rape Fr(Oe God I'm Gonna Get Raped)nk, Which He Proceeded To Do So.

Fr(Getting Rape Is Actually Pretty Fun)nk Didn't Really Mind Besides The Fact Hes About To Shit Out A Fuck Ton Of Kool Aid, And Unfortunately He Doesn't Have A Clear Shot At Gaylords Esophagus. Well The Pp And The Esophagus Are Practically The Same Thing, Right? He Assured Himself It Would Be Fine Before Promptly Shitting Out Some S p i c y Ass Cool Acid Laced With Cinnamon.

It Turned Out That The Mixture Was TOO Spicy And It Ended Up Burning Half Of Gaylords Body Off. Damn He Can't Rape People Anymore How Unfortunate.

Since Fr(a)nk Had Fulfilled His End Of The Body He Decided It Was Compensation Time. He Looked Forward To Inhaling Gaylords Mutilated, Blood-Stricken (Is That How You Spell It?), Cocaine Rich Body.

Gaylord Finally Regained Consciousness Right As Fr(Kinky)nk Started I n h a l i n g Him.

Gaylord Wished For Death.

After Completing The Deed He Went Over To One Of The Strippers That Had Seen The Entire Debacle And Relayed These Final Words Before Promptly Collapsing From A Cinnamon Induced Autism Infection:

"Harry Potter Fucked His Dad's Corpse"

The End.


End file.
